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2003-03-18 - 10:05 a.m. Everytime I get on here to add something, Diaryland tells me "Nah-uh. Gold members only, biatch!" So I wait until it will let me, but by that time it is too late & I go to bed. Lets see.... Josh is getting deployed this week. He can't tell me where they are going, when they are leaving, or when they will return b.c. it's TOP SECRET or something. He was supposed to open for Finch, Home Grown, Taking Back Sunday, & Something Corporate Saturday night but he had to pack up & get his small pox shots instead. He sent me a package yesturday & he put everything that means something to him in it....H2O autograph, all of his earrings, awards from the military, pictures, etc. that he had but doesn't want to store. I asked him if he wanted this stuff back. "Well...that's kinda the point. I have to see you to get it all back, right?" 48 hours. He is so scared...scared...to...death. And he jokes about it, but I know. I know he wants his mom & he wants to be fucking off & he wants to be a kid. Getting issued bullet-proof vests doesn't exactly keep your spirits up, you know? "Are you going to wait for me?" I told him I would....what else can I do? The boy makes me happy. He makes me laugh. He is fun & talented. So in his package, which I will share w/ you when I get it towards the end of the week, he has a letter that lets me know EVERYTHING that is going on w/ this war thing. Where he is, times, dates, the whole nine. He isn't supposed to let me in this, but I need to know. I can't wait for something I know nothing about. I don't ever know what to say when we talk about him leaving. I am so silent, it's messed up. What do I say? "I know." I don't fucking know & I don't have anything to say. I told him he is coming home & we are all waiting for him...he just wanted to hear that I would be waiting w/ a smile. I told him no. I'd be waiting w/ open arms.
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