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2003-06-11 - 10:05 p.m. I wish that I would get un-depressed. It's alot harder than "just forgetting about things & smile." I wish it was that easy. This whole Josh "thing" has me in some sort of hardcore funk. I'm fine @ home...I mean, I still wish he would call already, but it's worse @ work. I hate work. Really. And standing there, analyzing EVERYTHING makes it so much worse. A part of me agrees w/ what Tasha said in my guestbook, that he is sick & in a very unpredictable place right now. But there is this tiny part of me that is so demeanted..."you won't ever talk to him again...he isn't coming to see you...it's over....5 months wasted....everything was a lie & a game..." yada yada yada. I am a mess, y'all seriously. See that is how my mind works. I wait for something bad to happen. If nothing that bad is going on, my mind turns things bad itself. Unless there is something not going my way, then my mind takes full advantage & distorts everything. But I don't show it. I don't let anyone know I feel that way. I don't freak out & go balisstic on people. My mind does, though. It's a constant struggle between what's correct & what my mind wants to be happening. I am so used to being fucked in the ass, I'm constantly bent over. Excuse the vulgarity of that. I'm just a tad outdone. You know what I realized yesturday? I was asleep on the couch, I sleep alot now, & woke up thinking I did all that I can do... Which is true. I did what is in my power for Josh, & still am-I mailed a get well card today-so if by some unforseeable (that isn't even a word by my spelling) future that we didn't talk anymore, I know that I did things right & that I did things most people wouldn't do. Hell. My boss's son SON! is in the war & she doesn't write often or think of clever things to send to him. I rock. End of story. I want to write about all of my new friends & that I am suddenly surrounded by love & friendship & people that want to have lunch & have a good time w/ me. But all of this thinking has me drained & I must go to bed. I love all of you. I'm just in a place now. I can't help it. The worst is over for now; take a breath, now let it out.
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