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2003-07-13 - 8:10 p.m. This disorder is indicated by a pattern of distrust and wariness about the motives of others, who are viewed as a threat. Like other disorders, this condition evidences itself in early adulthood. The presence of the following types of behavior may indicate the condition: *Fixation about loyalty and whether anyone is worthy of trust (Check!) *Obsesses about exploitation from others (Right on) *Will not confide in others for fear the information will be turned against him. (Or that it's not good enough, as in my case) *Constantly reads negative and threatening meaning into every comment, even the completely innocuous and even friendly comments. (Did she mean I was fat? Does that mean I'm not doing a good job? Does he not like me?) *Harbors many vendettas and never forgives. (Ehhhh...this isn't me) *Suspects partner of sexual infidelity. (Or that he is seeing someone else altogethr, or that I will never talk to him again or that he isn't over his ex or that we are going to break up or that he is using me...you get the point) *Assumes innocuous comments are character assaults (Exactly) I truly believe I have this, or @ least, some of it. There is no reason for me to sit here & believe that someone has been lying to me for months, when that is obviously not true. Or is it? Am I paranoid, or just in touch w/ myself? Do I over-think or make myself believe things? Are these simply left-overs from past relationships? I always have a feeling of impending doom. If soemthing doesn't work out in my favor, I get aggrevated, turn into a bitch, & think & think & think....then find out what I thought wasn't true to begin w/, then feel like a fool. It's a never-ending cycle. Everyday Josh is going to break up w/ me. Everyday is THE day. Every conversation is the last one. Every letter is the last I will get. If he doesn't have a girlfriend in Florida, then he has one somewhere else. If he sends me a letter, other girls get a letter. Same w/ a phone call. And TIME AFTER FUCKING TIME I GET PROVEN WRONG. Yet I can't let my guard down. That's when you get hurt. Do I really think I am crazy? Sometimes. I know this isn't normal. I have spent alot of time looking this up, reading on it, etc. While I may not HAVE this or not, I am scarred, in some way. Be it from Mike, or something earlier. I can't just not think about it. It's there, in the middle of the night, @ work, while I am tanning, now. IF we are about to break up, then why harp on it in my mind? I stress the fuck out all of the time. I can never relax. I think my Anxiety is back, too. I know it's normal to w o n d e r, but not to think/think/think/think/think like I do. It's ruining me. It's breaking me down. It's keeping me from being happy. I don't want this. See. Now I'm freaking out about this, too.
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