2003-07-30 - 5:24 p.m.

Yeah so we have all said/done things that make us look bad & then felt really guilty for. You think about it, cringe, but move on. It's all but forgotten.

Somehow that is just no help to me right now.

Josh & I were talking about Religion yesturday. He asked me where I stood on it. Yada yada I said I was Methodist. He said he was Pentecostal.

There isn't anything wrong w/ that. In fact, they intimidate me somewhat b.c. they devote their lives to the RIGHT things. But that isn't what I said.

"ARE YOU JOKING!!??" "YOU ARE NOT PENTECOSTAL!" OH MY GOD I'M DATING A PENTECOSTAL!"

That was me. Misty=asshole

Not only did I laugh, joke about it, & go along my merry way, he had no response, there for I thought it was ok. Then we got off of the phone & it hit me how fucking retarded & how much of a bitch I was.

I wrote an email. I made fun of him & his family. You just don't do that. I just don't do that. That isn't me. I'm quiet. I'm respectful. I'm honest. I think of other people. I make cookies for people for work, & there are some there that are on Sugar Busters, so I use Splenda for them. I buy cards. I spend money. I'm not mean.

You wouldn't have thought that yesturday. I sounded like a bully.

He wasn't going to say anything about it on the phone w/ me today. I was surprised he called. I mean, I stayed up half of the night thinking about it, I talked to EVERYONE @ work about it. Then he tells me he is disappointed.

He said that half of him doesn't care, but the other is disappointed b.c. it is his family. I felt like utter shit. If I could go to Germany, if I could get on my knees & beg & cry & yell how sorry I am, I would. This is his family I sat there & ripped about. Who they are. What they believe in.

I asked if he wanted to stop talking to me about it. He said yeah. Then he said "Why in hell would I stop talking to you b.c. of that? That's stupid."

Then I talked & talked & talked about how bad I felt/feel. Finally, he was like "just drop it. You said you were sorry, that's all. You are going to piss me off if you bring it up again."

He told me he would call me tomorrow, if not then, then on Saturday.

I think I really fucked things all up. To me, it's all different now. I don't want anyone to see as this bitch, when that is SO not me. I want to make it up, but I don't know how.

I want to listen to him & drop it. Paranoid Personailty Disorder doesn't let you do that, unfortunately.

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