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2003-08-04 - 5:51 p.m. Now that my diary is locked, I think you should know some things about me that I haven't told you before: I have a eating disorder. I have lost almost 40 lbs. in the last 2 months. I abuse laxatives. I eat, take 2, & have a morning in the bathroom. I restrict my eating. I binge about once every 3 weeks. I am so body oriented, it's hard to focus on anything else. I am afraid to be around alot of people, so it's hard to get me to go out. I'm afraid people will think things about me. I get "tired" & have to go home. I don't have alot of friends. The ones I do have, I love. People want to hang around w/ me all of the time, yet I mess it up. All of the time. I don't think I am good enough for Josh. I know he is going to dislike me a ton. A part of me wants to end everything b.c. of this. My relationship w/ Mike was horribly abusive. I don't like to talk about that part b.c. it humilates me. alot of girls cry abuse, but I know it happened to me. My step-father abused me growing up, so I know all about being hit, pushed, & bullied. My sister deny's I was abused...she thinks I should have minded him more. My mom is a drug-abuser. She is also manic-depressive. She is also a fucking nut. She has abandoned my sister & I for the past 7 years. She does coke all of the time. She loves pills. I make fun of her b.c. it helps me deal w/ it. Sometimes it's hard to listen to people talk about their mom b.c. I really don't have one. I know she won't help w/ my wedding, or help w/ my kids when I have them. None of my friends have met her. I won't let them. I am horribly jealous of my sister. She has no clue what it is to to struggle. She gets everything she wants, drives a BMW, has never heard no, in fact, we all joke b.c. she's never been grounded. I'm serious. Never been told she can't watch t.v. or talk on the phone. I was grounded for the first time when I was 5. I couldn't watch t.v. for a week. I refused to wear my seat-belt, that's why. I am so nervous all of the time, I get so aggrevated, it makes me cry. I have to breath deeply, & refrain from hanging up on people b.c. they talk about nonsense on the phone. It's been so bad that I have to stop myself from punching people. Yet I don't get road rage. I live @ home. I am 23. I am a makeup artist @ Dillard's. I also have 4 warrents out for me for unpaid tickets & a suspended d.l. Through all of this, I believe someone is watching over me. Someone has to be. I have a hard life to wake up to.
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